A Picture Paints a Thousand Words…
Before writing there was sport, but before sport there was art. Like with shooting, I wasn’t what you would describe as gifted, or naturally talented. I was competent, yes, but more importantly I was passionate and prepared to put the work in. As I discussed in last week’s post, hard work does not always equate to success and even if I’d dedicated every minute of every day to my art, I would never be the next Da Vinci. But I was good - good enough to consider art school as an option before sport took over my life.
As with most things, I set myself outrageously high standards and always struggled to silence that inner critic. There were many of my peers who were far more talented than I, and I constantly compared my work to theirs - and found it wanting. But it never stopped me trying and never changed how much I loved it. My school art department had a 6th Form studio, and some of my happiest memories of my education are of the hours spent in that room. I didn’t enjoy school for the most part - I didn’t fit in and was often victim to bullying - but that studio was where it all started to make sense. It was a mixed group of individuals who didn’t always get on, but we were united in our purpose. It was an environment I thrived in, spending every moment I could there… most of my free periods, almost every day after school… sometimes even skipping class to work on my latest painting instead (sorry Mum). Even homework and studying for other subjects were done there rather than at home. It was bliss.
But then sport happened, and it took over everything for a long time. I still found time for the odd sketch here and there, but art supplies don’t always travel well and without practice, my work wasn’t meeting my usual standards and I would just end up getting frustrated. I tried my hand at photography and makeup artistry to fill that creative void, and still enjoy both, but getting back into painting was the thing that excited me most post retirement.
It’s not been an easy ride. Lacking space and not wanting to get paint on the carpet in our little flat had me changing mediums - ditching acrylics for watercolours - but that also came with a steep learning curve, which in turn led to much frustration. Having been what would be classed as an expert in my field, it’s difficult to process being a beginner even in an unrelated subject. Going from competent to beginner in a related area is even harder and getting to grips with this new medium tested my patience - not that I’ve ever had much of that to go around. To say it’s been a stop-start, love/hate journey is putting it mildly.
Getting back into painting was meant to be something I did as self-care - a creative outlet I could enjoy for the process and not the outcome. A quiet time where my mind and soul could just be. Writing had been that for a long time, but as I pursued self-publishing that changed and now there’s too much stress and pressure (internal, obviously) for it to fulfil that purpose. There was no pressure with painting. It was a hobby. Something I could do for the sheer enjoyment.
I’m sure it surprises no-one to hear that lasted mere hours. It certainly didn’t surprise me. Looking back, what should have surprised me was that I ever thought I could focus on process rather than outcome. It’s not like I didn’t spend a decade losing that battle in a sporting context. Unfortunately my default setting appears to be outcome focussed and I’ve been swimming upstream fighting those instincts. Then there’s my… exacting standards, if we’re being polite. From the first painting, I was comparing my finished work to that of professionals with a lifetime of experience. Even in moments of rational clarity, I can recognise how ridiculous that is, but it’s never stopped me doing it. I’m also driven and ambitious and no sooner had I gained competency in my medium than the wheels were already turning, considering how long it would be until I could turn this into my profession. As a consequence, painting hasn’t always been the relaxing hobby I’d hoped for.
But I’m getting there. Moving house, having a dedicated space for painting and time to practise has meant I’ve progressed to a point where I’m no longer battling daily frustration. My standards are still high, but I’m able to be more objective about my analysis - looking at what has gone well and recognising areas for improvement, rather than obsessing over what went wrong. And as my confidence has grown, so too has my enjoyment of the process. Watching water flow over paper and pigments melt and merge is soothing - meditative, almost…
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that it is possible to overcome that inner critic. To push back against negative thought patterns and ingrained behaviours to find peace and happiness. It’s not always easy, but what worth having ever is?
And yes, it’s not always a straight forward progression towards an end point. Sometimes it’s one step back to take two steps forward. Sometimes it’s even two steps back to only take one step forward. But the value is in taking the step forward, anyway. I made some good progress in my mindset towards my painting before Christmas, but I’ve gone backwards since then - probably because I’ve been painting with an outcome in mind. In my infinite wisdom, I decided I wanted to produce my own cover art for my book (despite all advice to the contrary) and have been questioning that decision every few hours ever since. And that’s with a finished piece now in my hand. I’ve just looked back through the pile of discarded work and it took eight attempts to get something I was happy with, so you can imagine how great a place to be my head has been for the last month. You’ll have to wait for the cover reveal to find out whether I stuck to my guns on this one…
But speaking of reveals, some big news - coming your way next week is the title reveal for my upcoming debut fantasy novel! If you want to be the first to know, make sure you sign up to my mailing list for updates straight to your inbox. And if you’re interested in my artistic journey, you can check out my new Instagram profile here!
Look forward to seeing you all next week for the title reveal!